The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yes, my friends, the time draws nigh: a season of love, joy, peace, goodwill towards those who think the same way you do - why, I can almost feel the warm fuzzies building towards critical mass as I type. Won't you join me in a moment of fuzzy-basking?

[basking] Mmmm.

Ok, enough of that. On to the Wreckage!

Now, while schools and religious and community organizations the world over strive to celebrate all the goodness of the season, bakeries are fighting back the only way they know how: with an unfolding drama of tragedy, anger, and mutation - right there among the rye and pumpernickel.

First, let's set the scene with a nice crackling fire in the ol' fireplace:

See, I know this is a fireplace (and not Mount Vesuvius) because it says "Fireplace" on the cake board. [tapping temple] I'm "smaht" like that.

Next let's meet some of the characters featured in this month's tale of Christmas*-gone-wrong:

Ah, here we have the Ghost of Reindeers Past, obviously rendered by a Salvador Dali enthusiast. The gaping hole where his nose used to be reminds us of the fragility of life; the melting ears of how rarely we stop to listen; and the giant red spooge of...uh... how we should always use a napkin after eating? Yeah, let's go with that.

Next there's Snappy, the stitched-together Yuletide monster:

He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches.

Oh, and let's not forget the Turdaphants:
These harbingers of Christmas "cheer" are perpetually puckered up, the better to suck your spirit dry with.

And finally, there's the Big Guy himself:

He just hasn't been the same since he lost his nose in that unfortunate sledding accident. Oh, and best not to let on that you can tell his beard is fake; that's how Rudolph got his trick knee.

Thanks to today's casting agents: Jennifer E., Carly O., Heidi A., Laura F., and Khara K!

* Yep, I've decided to live dangerously and use the word "Christmas" this month. If that offends you, rest assured that none of these Wrecks are going to make "Christmas" look good. :)

Wedding Wrecks

Pay very close attention to these cake pairs, now; I wouldn't want you to get the Wreck mixed up with the Inspiration Cake. [eye roll]

First up:

Elodie M. asked her baker to do this, only with far fewer rose petals. The baker obliged by providing this:

Ah, nothing symbolizes the beginning of a new life with the one you love quite like shriveled old rose petals. On the plus side, at least they distract the eye away from the poor cake construction. The weird grass sprigs sprouting haphazardly from the side and top help in that arena, too.


Next, Claire G. discovered the hard way how important "pipemanship" (as opposed to penmanship) is.

What she wanted:

(I believe this is from Martha Stewart.)

What she got:

Such delicacy, such grace...

By the by, I don't monogram much, but I think the middle initial is supposed to be larger than the other two. I also think that if "msk" were a word, it would accurately describe the leveling job done on the leaning wonder here.

And lastly, Hannah W. asked for this, only with square tiers instead of round:


She even brought in the brown ribbon and fresh blue hydrangeas for the bakery to use. Pretty simple, right? Just make some white square tiers. But you know how some bakeries are, always complicating things...

Let's see. Misshapen layers, lumpy icing, no ribbon, electric teal icing "flowers"... What seems to be the problem, Hannah?

Calling All Wreckporters!

Greetings, Wrecks fans!

This announcement is for any and all of you who have EVER submitted a Wreck photo that you own. If you would like to have your photo considered for inclusion in Cake Wrecks, the book (yep, you read that right - amazing what people will print these days, eh?) then I need to have your photo permissions. To grant that permission is really easy: all you have to do is go here and RESUBMIT your photo. Be sure to send the largest size photo you have. And that's it!

Again, make sure you ONLY submit photos that you own all rights to: that means nothing you found on the 'net, friend's myspace pages, etc.

Stay tuned for updates as I have them, and keep sending in those Wrecks! Thanks, all!

Fetal Bites

So what are all the "in-the-know" cookie connoisseurs talking about these days? Why, the newest rage in baby-shower cuisine, that's what: fetus-shaped cookies!

And how do you GET fetus-shaped cookies? With a fetus-shaped cookie cutter, of course! (Duh!)



Here's what they're saying over on Stupid.com, where you can purchase your very own FSCC:

"At last, EVERYBODY can have "one in the oven" with the deliciously disturbing Fetus Cookie Cutter!

Imagine the expression on the teacher's face when your kid hands out oatmeal or chocolate chip fetuses to all the students. We can almost hear the Principal calling now."

They also point out that it takes a special kind of baker to make these babies, which I would have to agree with. And if you're still not disturbed, check out the video which features the song "Fetal Bites" to the tune of Edelweiss. (Sample lyric: "small and white, far from right, you sit on my tongue sweetly") I guarantee you'll find it horrifying. Or hilarious. One of the two, anyway.

Is anyone else picturing these cookies wearing little fondant bow-ties and top-hats, maybe even holding a (sugar) cane? No? Just me? Right, er, never mind then.

Heather K., I think you were the first to submit this, so thanks!

Because Every Blog Needs a Jingle

There's a series over on Comedy.com called Geek Pad, which is a "weekly roundup on the latest in news and gadgets". This past week the show's creators and hosts, Sam Riegel and Rob Blatt, honored me with a gift. The gift...of music.

Hit it, boys!



(This is the whole episode. If you get impatient, skip ahead to 1:27. Oh, and parents: be aware there is some mild language in the vid.)

I would like to thank Sam and Rob not only for the music (the song I'm playing), but also for being such devastatingly intelligent, witty, and attractive guys. Impeccable taste AND funny to boot? You two feel free to geek out at my pad anytime.

You know, to play cards. My hubby and I are always looking for new Spades partners.

:)

Just Watch Out for the Buttercream Boulder

Here's a fun Raiders of the Lost Ark cake making the internet rounds:


And here's the money shot [smirk]:

Now how cool is that: Lori over at Clever Cake Studio lives up to the name by providing a little marzipan bag for the famous switch! Really, I think more cakes out there should encourage us to recreate famous movie scenes before eating them.

Thanks to Pip and the rest of y'all who shared the link with me.

So What Happens If You EAT the Frog?

A loooong time ago I mentioned my Princess & the Frog Wreck collection. I know the suspense has just been killing y'all since. Well, the wait is now officially over!

First, here's what the design is supposed to look like. (Sort of.)


Kinda cute, huh? Oh, and if that "frog" is looking more like a coiled snake to you, just take comfort in the fact that it's all downhill from here. Aw yeah.

First we have "Princess Pumps Iron":

Hear me now and believe me later: she is here to PUMP [clap] you up! Yaw.

I'm not sure what to make of the pile o' frog there. For the life of me I can't figure out what those little black dots are supposed to be - freckles? Warts?

The misspelled inscription on this one is intentional. The mannish princess and bizarrely splayed frog, however, are not.

And you know I always save the best for last:

Now I know it's hard, but try to look past the evil-villain eyebrows for a moment. I mean, there's so much more Wreckiness here to behold! There's the noodle fingers, the complete lack of legs and feet, the chipmunk nose! And let's not forget the "frog", who has devolved into a levitating stack of green bowling balls. Thank goodness he's got his black dots, though; it's nice to know the decorator has his/her priorities straight.


Thanks to Lauren A., Abby B., & Natalie R.!

Buy Buy Buy

I've had some fun new shirt designs submitted from you oh-so-talented readers, and what better day to share the new arrivals than Black Friday? So c'mon, folks, before that bargain-crazed, triple-espresso high wears off: buy, buy, buy! (And if you catch yourself singing the song later today, my work here will be done.)

First up, a hilariously cute design by Jen Privitera of Kitty Gogo:

If you don't get it, then shame on you, and check out this post. Be sure to visit Jen's site above for more crazy yet cute designs, too.

Phil DeJarnett of www.OverZealous.com came up with two great designs:

I think I'm going to offer the "underneat that" one on an apron as well as a shirt, if for no other reason than so I can order one. :)

Rebecca Bridge of Glitter Bubbles jewelry immortalized our most dangerous Wreck to date:

The thought of all the confused looks one would receive when wearing this shirt makes me ridiculously happy. Is that wrong?

And here's what I came up with in my "free" time:

Simple, classic, and also available as a baby's onesie. What more could you ask for? (Don't answer that. It was rhetorical.)

Click on any of the designs above to go to the Zazzle store. Also, FYI: all the shirts are available in both men's and women's styles: just click "select a different shirt style" on the product description page. Most of them are also available as magnets. Plus, right now Zazzle is offering free shipping on all orders over $45, so be sure to stock up!

Have a great shirt/magnet/bumper sticker idea? E-mail me!